Style Conversational: Pray, love, eat
The mantis’s (post-) romantic appetites were just one of the
Invite’s Week 1230 inspirations
(Jeff Roberson/Associated Press)
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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June 29, 2017
It /was/ refreshing to get away from the political attack humor for a
week here at Non-Internet-Taxpaying Fake News Central
.
The Style Invitational’s Week 1230 contest
was practically G-rated and surely uncontroversial — except maybe for
the millions of people who believe
that
the world’s magnificent array of life forms really was created in the
way this week’s results describe the process,
but with more thees and thous.
Gary Crockett’s headline “Just-Not-So Stories” alludes to the genre of
folk tales, famouslypresented in faux Native Wise Man style by Rudyard
Kipling in 1902 , that
tell of various adventures explaining how the leopard got its spots or
why the snake has no legs. In Week 1230, which wasripped off from
inspired by various tweets
from
a couple of years back, there’s a Creator (usually with an assisting
angel) assigning the various weird animal and vegetable traits, rather
than the animals picking them up along the way. Close enough.
I am relieved to report that I have never (so far, anyway) received a
complaint that the Invitational is misrepresenting religious doctrine —
or endorsing it — when I’ve run entries about Saint Peter doing desk
duty at the Gates of Heaven, or with Lawrence McGuire’s definition of
“sinkhole” as “when God decides a vacation home in Florida needs a
basement.”
So I predict this week’s results will go down in the annals as
uncharacteristically gentle, even wholesome, for the Invite; I wouldn’t
be surprised if some of the inking entries show up on the Amen Corner
page of your church bulletin.
Loser Duncan Stevens (not pictured) seemed to think a geoduck --
pronounced "gooey-duck" -- looked like something else.- (Evergreen State
College/via Wikipedia/ Creative Commons)
Since there’s no new contest to illustrate, Bob Staake drew runner-up
Bird Waring’s “whale on a stick” narwhal, once again modeling God on one
of his old bosses, the late Mad Magazine publisherBill Gaines
.
(Here’s Bob’s Bill-God from four weeks ago ,
ordering up the octopus.)
The Loser Community, as well as quite a few newbies, took right to the
form, with lots of cute transcripts from HeavenLabs LLC. I learned some
cool fun facts from various entries — for instance, that there’s a
Southeast Asian monkey/bear/weasel/cat calledthe binturong
whose
butt smells like popcorn; and that the platypus has a two-headed penis
(and the echidna a four-headed one). I’m running a pretty long list this
week but saved a few more to share in a few weeks, when I’ll be running
entries from various earlier contests.
It’s the sixth win, and the 146th blot of ink in all, for Drew Bennett,
chancellor of Missouri State University’s West Plains campus, and a
professor at the National War College here in Washington during his
Marine colonel years; that’s when I met him at one of our Dorkness at
Noon weekday Loser lunches. Since Drew has already won two Inkin’
Memorial
trophies
(his first three wins got him our earlier trophy, the Inker
),
he can opt this time for our new first prize, the Lose Cannon
.
It’s the second ink “above the fold” (and 27th ink total) for Joe Neff,
who wins the cute plushie strep bacterium. Joe’s previous runner-up, in
last year’s Limericixon (for ge- words), was also about a critter:
The gecko, when stalked, can prevent
His assailant’s malicious intent:
His tail can detach!
That’s all that they catch.
He saves more than 15 percent.
The rest of this week’s Losers’ Circle, Rob Huffman and Bird Waring, are
both regular denizens of the Losers’ Circle; Rob has 15 above-the-fold
blots, Bird 19. Bird has been Inviting since Week 455, back in the
Czarist era; Rob’s been with us since Week 918 in 2011.
*What Doug Dug: * **The faves this week for Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood
included the one about the cat, by First Offender Molly Elizabeth Haws,
as well as Todd DeLap’s dialogue about the panda.
*SO LONG, SUCKER *
Molly — who as an Episcopal priest might have gotten some inside access
to the Heavenly Database — also got ink with her dialogue about the
praying mantis. A more expansive take on the same theme was submitted by
Brendan Beary:
G: How about this: a big bug, but long and sleek. The front legs are so
long they fold like arms.
A: “Kinda creepy, but has potential.”
And they fold again at the end; it’ll look like hands that are praying.
“Oh, very clever!”
Then for breeding: After they do the nasty, she bites his head off.
“Whaaaaa…??? Dude, what the actual…”
AND EATS IT.
“Where does this even come from? Did this come from your actual head?”
It’ll be so awesome.
“A cute little bug, and you’ve gotta go ‘Let’s add some post-coital
cannibal decapitation!’ ”
Yeah, and I’ll be like: See? You should’ve stuck with praying. It’s like
a moral. Or an allegory.
“Riiiiight. Because bugs completely understand the whole
cause-and-effect thing.”
(pause)
“Risk-vs.-reward analysis, bugs are totally on top of that. Got it.”
I’m gonna do it anyway.
“Yeah, I know, whatever, it’s just … Dude, you’ve got such issues.”
It’s gonna be awesome.
“Seriously, your worst idea since that thing about the primates with
thumbs instead of fur.”
DO NOT QUESTION MY VISION!!!
--
Talk about biting your head off.
--
Don’t forget toRSVP for the
next Loser brunch, Sunday, July 16, at noon at London Curry House, a
pretty Indian restaurant in the pretty Cameron Station section of
Alexandria. I really like this place and am sorry to miss it; I’ll be on
the way to the airport. Have some samosas for me.